22.08.24

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There is a line written by Shakespeare - we know who we are yet we know not what we may be, maybe I'm the one or maybe I'm crazy. It would be an injustice to myself if I said this line does not perfectly sum up my life till now as I'm sitting on a bus with people who are different from me in every aspect except one- the rat race, the not-so-great Indian dream of not knowing who you are but what you have been defined by the society. Your ideologies, your dreams, your thoughts and most importantly- your stand. Everything is in the hands of the ʼsamaaj’. It's even more infuriating when you know what's happening to you. But   to pretend like it's not even there. I've cried myself hoarse about things changing for good but I have realized it's not about good or bad now, it's just about ‘being’ as of now. 


 I don't know what I should call it, maybe a little bit of nihilism because I'm not seeking reasons anymore. Just accepting things like they are, just accepting people how they are, just accepting endings how they end, be it of a story or a relationship I had with someone. Acceptance without reasoning and questions in some aspects of my life has become a normal routine. The line I mentioned earlier has shown me the most vile moments of my life and forced me to make thee ugliest of decisions I have made in my life. The only remnant I have now from the past is this line and nothing else. I don't even know who I was before truly understanding this line nor do I wish to know. 


Nevertheless, it doesn't matter now. If I could dwell on decisions I have made in consonance with this line. The ratio of I've been proven wrong is far more than the ratio of being proven right. The only thing keeping me alive is acknowledgement of things and nothing else.  


P.S.- listening to jazz has proven to be extremely therapeutic for me. 

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